So I realized I hadn’t posted much in the way of personal stuff lately, so here goes.
I’m tired. Bone, dog, tired. I have no energy for some reason. Most of the tasks of value I have undertaken lately have ended in failure or mediocre success and perhaps my body is responding to that. This, of course, has taken its toll on my marriage, and my poor wife thinks I’m neglecting her or am not interested in her anymore.
Somehow, I managed to burn my grass in the yard, and it is now filled with bare patches in the Bermuda. I attempted to alleviate this by planting new seed and covering it with new topsoil, but this has only partially fixed the problem.
I ran my car into a ditch trying to get out of the way of a fire truck coming the opposite direction and got stuck. I then had to rock the car forward and managed to knock loose some of the undercarriage panels that are used to streamline the airflow.
A week later, I was turning into a street with poor visibility, and nearly hit a guy driving a sports car. He screwed up and hit his brakes hard and managed to spin out. I then failed to call the cops, so there is no record. He damaged a rim, and stupidly I took blame and offered to pay for a replacement. He still hasn’t called me about the cost of repair and I pray that he is just letting the whole thing go. He was speeding around a corner and nearly broadsided me as I was coming from a T intersection into his road.
I maxed out our credit card, not because I couldn’t afford the costs, but because I screwed up the timing on payments.
My computer is failing so I had to buy a new one (something I didn’t want to do) and that contributed to the credit card issue. Which is rectified but was not pleasant.
I have to day trip out to Dallas tomorrow, so my day is going to be long (I fly out of ATL at 7:15 AM and return to the airport at 10:00PM with an hour drive to get home) with meetings all day.
The wife and I have not been responsible and have been overspending our budget. I need to return to a more careful budgeting and not give in to every whim of book buying.
I have a goal of writing a novel (that will be published!) before I die, but I don’t really work at it, and have not natural gift, so it takes work. Failing to live up to this goal (even of writing a little everyday) is a constant source of a sense of failure.
I also know that I should be focusing on becoming a better businessman, not trying to be a writer or book critic, and yet I don’t. This makes me feel like a failure.
So all these things make me feel poorly, like I’m a failure in some way. But writing it down has been therapeutic. I feel a little bit better telling the world how miserable I feel at the moment, and how tired I am. Nice to know that this is now recorded for posterity.
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Ok, I am writing to acknowledge that I just read this post. I am calling, let’s pray together brother. I felt the burdens oozing through the computer screen.
Bill
I can’t help but note the ironic contrast to my most recent post. I guess I am a bad wife for being oblivious! You felt bad about each of these things at the time, but I should have considered the snowball factor.
Now I want to make you feel better by having Chik Fil A for supper, but we need to cut back on going out!! Dilemma. Instead, I guess I can provide a cleaned-up kitchen, a warm meal, followed by an evening of reading and a quiet puppy for the night.
Hi John, I’m just now reading this – I hope that since writing you’ve had some encouragement and rest come your way.
I also hope that you will take your feelings of failure to the Father and lean into his grace, God’s deep abundant grace. Remember that you are his favored son and that you are loved exactly where you are and as you are.
Mike and I both wrestle with feelings of failure as well and we remind each other of Sam and Frodo on the road to Mordor (I know it’s cheesy but hey- whatever works). Sometimes you have to think about life as a quest and just accept that there are orcs and mistakes and weariness along the way but we keep going, because it will all be worth it in the end. Sending prayers your way.
Rachel